Durruti’s Column #5

Dear Durruti,

What’s so funny about Anarcho-Capitalism?

Bob Bütthert


Dear Bob,

The challenge in answering that question is where to begin and what to omit.

1. It’s not really Anarchism or Capitalism. Anarchists think Capitalism is ridiculous, Capitalists think Anarchism is ridiculous, but fucking everyone agrees that “Anarcho”-Capitalism is ridiculous, even people that don’t agree on anything else.

2. How can Capitalism possibly exist without the state? Private property is that which you don’t really need, that you can make a profit on because other people need to use it. That you have exclusive ownership rights means that you make the rules and you can exclude others from access to what they need if they don’t comply. That in itself is statist and if you don’t have the threat of the state’s monopoly on force or a private security force that would be exactly the fucking same, then people will just take what they need. Why wouldn’t they just take it from you if you’re depriving them of it?

3. How is it “voluntary” if people can either obey the rules on one person’s private property or gtfo, but the only other places they can go are also somebody else’s private property? If people accept your rule because everywhere else is ruled by someone like you, that’s not voluntary hierarchy is it. And its really no defence to say that people could work to earn enough to buy their way out, to buy freedom by buying their own private property. Some slaves were able to work their way to a kind of freedom, but that doesn’t justify slavery.

4. Anarcho-Capitalism seems to require it’s followers to have strange, Social Darwinist views about class, race, disability and gender etc, survival of the fittest views about competition in business and in social relations that make it clear that AnCap is essentially just fascism trying to steal the identity of more popular movements, to ride on the coattails of a different reputation to it’s own, as fascism always has. Beliefs about superiority and the separation of people with different beliefs and of different races and the totalitarian merger of the private sector and the state, as the private sector becomes the state. That, my friend, is fascism.

5. AnCaps claim John Locke, the father of classical liberalism and EMPIRICIST as a forefather of their ideas, but they themselves believe in Praxeology which is a completely made up science that rejects the scientific method of empiricism!

It would be a dystopian nightmare if it weren’t wrought with self-defeating contradiction and it would be scary for the world if AnCaps weren’t a predominantly white, male group of basement dwelling, fedora sporting, cheeto dust in neckbeard scratching keyboard warriors and paper tigers.





Dear Durruti Column #2: “Value is subjective, right?” – “So the fuck what?” says our Agony Uncle.

Dear Durruti,

But all value is subjective, right? Laborers have nothing to do with creating value, right? RIGHT??????

Yours Insincerely,

Chris P. McDoughnut.


Oh Crispy, you poor misguided little fuck nugget.

You people…I swear to fucking dinosaur-god you’re going to give my ulcers ulcers, and those ulcers will get their own ulcers and through mutual struggle & shared experience, those ulcers will gain a sense of themselves as a unified gastrointestinal class, and overthrow their ulcerous overlords and usher in an age of enlightenment based upon common ownership of my stomach.

That is until I down a bottle of Pepto-Bismol, flip a table and head-butt a line of capitalists – then the revolution will be over for them, and it’ll begin for me. Why? Because I’m Buenaventura Durruti, goddamit – and I am sick of your bullshit.

First off, subjective is not a synonym for ‘arbitrary’ or ‘pointless’ or whatever other stupid ass noise you neckbeards make before cackling and adding another line to your “internet arguments won” whiteboard while swilling sixteen to thirty-two ounces of ‘Mountain Dew: Code Red’ in a single gulp and lapsing into a diabetic coma where you dream of a woman made of equal parts Anime and ButtCoins.

Subjective means “based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions”. Lots of important things are subjective: ethics are subjective, so is morality and so is the value of commodities like that gold you keep stockpiling because Alex Jones told you to. (What he DIDN’T tell you is that the value of gold is SPECIFICALLY subject to the personal feelings, tastes, and opinions of Goldman Sachs and the other major investment banks, who can control its value via their access to the Commodities Trading Index, but don’t think about that: just buy more of it to stuff in your Prison Planet (R) bug-out bag along with rounds and rounds of bullshit K-Mart ammunition and the 1987 Urotsukidoji – Legend of the Overfiend OVA.)

HUMAN RIGHTS are subjective – the only reason you have any at all is that OTHER PEOPLE have chosen to grant them to you, and they in turn back up those rights with violence – and that’s a good thing, (well, not in your case, but usually) because rights like the rights to life & autonomy are incredibly important. They’re a big part of as to why we’ve survived as a species on a hostile planet for nearly two hundred-thousand years. They’re also why (sadly) people like you have yet to be eaten by wolves.

So what does this have to do with the subjective value of labor, or ButtCoins or those holographic ‘Yu-Gi-Oh!’ trading cards in your closet?

It reveals that when you throw this shit at me – what you’re really doing is playing a game.

See, when you brought this to me, I’m sure you thought I’d pull out the Labor Theory of Value, and talk about capitalists stealing Surplus Value and you thought you’d counter with Marginal Utility and try to present Labor as a commodity and we could go back and forth about how that does or does not specifically incentivize a perpetual cycle of war & poverty until FRIGGIN’ RAGNAROCK. Thor could be grappling with Jörmungandr and we would be talking about more obscure bits of Econ you copy-pasted from Wikipedia while parroting back to me jargon from a Praxgirl video that you left running for a few minutes after you finished fapping to it – but why go through all that trouble? You don’t give two corn-filled shits about economics; If you did you wouldn’t be an AnCap.

If economic theories were something you really cared about you’d STUDY ECONOMICS at university, get a degree & come up with ACTUAL, FALSIFIABLE theories, that could be tested in laboratory conditions and then you’d test the shit out of them because every discredited theory would get you closer to the truth.

But you don’t do that, because you aren’t a scientist like most real economists – you’re an ideologue. Your dicktwat ideology is what’s important to you here, not economics and NOT the scientific method.

What you’re doing now is engaging a rhetorical framing device in order to get me to say: “Geeez, I guess you’re right – The only human labor that matters is the capitalist’s, and fuck everybody else – they’re just commodities like coal, or iron, or those bars of gold you keep buying because Alex Jones REALLY thinks it’s a good idea.”

Except I’m not going to do that, no matter how many ways you try to frame an inherently unequal, unjust, and ill-advisable social relationship to make it seem positive and just. Why? Well first off because you can’t generate value at all without human input (that’s that whole subjective thing) and literally NONE of this stuff is possible without Labor – but MORESO, Because, like morals and ethics; markets, value & prices exist to SERVE HUMANKIND. Not just a handful of humans, all six-billion of us – and the SECOND they stop doing that? Well then it’s time to change them & make them better. Why? Because WE’RE F*CKING PEOPLE AND THAT’S WHAT WE DO.

You, shitlord – are presenting me with one TINY, misunderstood fact that’s not going to do dick for you, or anyone else. Why? Because I am not interested in living in a world where industry and politics are dominated by a tiny, plutocratic minority of property owners – no matter HOW MUCH value you claim they generated. Yes, even if they DID generate that value themselves with their own golden penis – even Jesus does not deserve to be a billionaire, and no matter WHAT your contribution to society is, you do not get to be a dictator.

I do not believe in hypothetical rights that can only be realized by those who can afford them. I believe in universal human rights, both positive and negative. I believe in an end to starvation and exposure and the crimes caused by them. I believe in human life and dignity over all laws that man has made, and ever will make. I believe this because I am an anarchist – and you do not believe this, because you are not.

I’m Buenaventura Durruti, goddammit, I have an economic & political system to overthrow – so get the f*ck out of my way.




Dear Durruti Column #1: “What the fuck did AnCaps do to you?” Our resident agony uncle reveals all in hot steamy rage!

Dear Durruti

What the fuck did AnCaps do to you to make you so bitter and hateful you crusty Maoist!?

Mine Sincerely,

Johnny Propertyz.


Dear Johnny

Umm, let’s see…You stole Anarchist ideology, twisted it to mean the exact opposite – to support one of the most total tyrannies the world has ever known. You helped set genuine anti-state movements back decades. Simply by existing you make it harder for me to communicate my ideas to others by misappropriating Anarchist language, and you make it possible for someone to mistake someone like ME with YOU. You lick the boots of the powerful and the oppressive. You dismiss the experience of minorities. You harass and slut-shame women. You apologize for rapists and racists and homophobes. You blunder into conversations you don’t understand like a confused bear, and rather than listen and learn and respond you just start saying random shit gleaned from 9th grade history textbooks and 80-year old Red-Scare propaganda. You tried to steal Anarchists memes. You currently trick honest confused kids looking for answers into following your slavish, deontological propaganda-driven ideology. You appropriate a grand, proud tradition that isn’t yours, and steal false ethos for your impotent, reactionary, cultish crank ideology. You are utterly ignorant of history and don’t even bother to read your OWN thinkers -preferring to listen to soulless, manipulative, YouTube charlatans. You confuse not paying your taxes with genuine revolutionary behavior. You despise and mock the poor. You deny that oppression exists, then blame the oppressed for their weakness. You do not listen. You do not respond to the arguments being made. You do not grow. You do not learn.m You do not employ your critical mind. You do not oppose authority, rather you just wish business owners wielded the power of politicians. You refuse to make a distinction between anarchists and Bolsheviks despite a long and bloody history between the two. You fear Stalin is hiding under your bed. You barge your way into communities and spaces not your own, assuming your welcome everywhere you go. You see devils where there are none. You are conspiracists and trolls and sniveling dogmatists. You try to convince people that anarchists wear bow-ties. You cannot keep a concept in your heads no matter how many times it’s explained to you. Now, I don’t mean “You” as in You personally – I mean “You” as in AnCaps as a whole. You, AnCaps are a living, breathing, MOCKERY of radicalism. You are corpses of dear friends long dead pulled out of the ground and paraded around; their remains worn like an ill-fitting suit, claiming their identity while besmirching their names and trying to hide their memory, YOU ARE HOT GARBAGE AND I CAN’T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO HATE YOU BECAUSE MOST OF YOU AREN’T PARTICULARLY SMART OR GIFTED BUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO FEEL PITY, EVERY TIME I WANT TO REACH OUT TO YOU AND OFFER YOU A FRIENDLY HAND YOU DO SOMETHING AWFUL, but yet I can’t give up the hope that MAYBE just maybe SOME of you might one day become a fully-realized human being – yet every day with the STUPID shit you say you prove me wrong. You shake my faith in humanity, because if people like you exist, then what HOPE is there for the rest of us? AnCaps are a sad pantomime, a twisted shadow on the wall, a sputtering and misshapen mockery of everything that I hold dear – because unlike to you guys this isn’t a game to me – class struggle and the need to move beyond capitalist ideas about private property is deathly serious – and you people showing up with your flags and you stupid assed-V’s and your pictures of socialists you don’t even know are socialists because you’ve never bothered to read them, and your STUPID poorly-crafted propaganda that only makes sense if you have NO IDEA what you’re talking About, and of course you don’t and refuse to learn EVEN IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO BETTER ATTACK ANARCHISM AND SOCIALISM. You shake. My Faith. In People. You Shake. My Faith. In Revolution. You Shake my belief in myself because I WONDER if through some fun-house mirror I am in a way like you. And that scares the hell out of me. Plus I don’t like yellow. It doesn’t go with black – unless it’s on a bee. “Git Offa Mah Lawn!” is not a political statement.